Index/Indexing/Indexer
Humor
This collection began with submissions by indexers to a game at a CINDEX reception during the May 2000 ASI conference. Additions have been made since then.
If you wish to a new item or make a correction, please do so but no guarantee is made regarding the inclusion of your submission.
[Items are listed in no particular order within categories.]
Joke categories
Collective nouns for indexers
Old indexers never die, they just...
How many indexers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Why did the indexer cross the road?
An indexer, a publisher, and an author walk into a bar...
If indexers were vegetables, what vegetable would they be?
Knock, knock. Who's there?
Poetry categories
Haiku
Limerick
Images
Cross reference on door
Poll table alphabetical order
A contention of indexers
— Fran Lennie
Old indexers never die, they just...
… rot, see also Decay
—Bob Huerster, Caroline Parks, Loraine Schacher, Carolyn Weaver, Jan Wright and L. Pilar Wyman
… get deleted.
—Bob Huerster, Caroline Parks, Loraine Schacher, Carolyn Weaver, Jan Wright and L. Pilar Wyman
… zzzz…
—Jill Halliday, John Halliday, Christine Shuttleworth, and Liza Weinkove
… get embedded.
—Dave Ream
… reinvent themselves: Information Architect, Information Navigator, …!
—Madeleine Davis, Elizabeth Street, and Peggy Pedigo
… filed/entered under ground!
—Madeleine Davis, Elizabeth Street, and Peggy Pedigo
… get buried alive in the text.
—Sally Nelson and Kay Wosewick
… lose their locators.
— Peg Mauer and Bill Meisheid
… become indented.
— Steve Ingle, Mara Pinkard, Nan Badgett, Pat Buchanan and Deborah Patton
… get double-posted.
—Susan Klement, Allen Veaner and Barbara Cohen
… change page numbers.
— Nancy Ford, Sally Nelson, Brooke Graves, Jessie Barczak and Kay Wosewick
… get lost in cyberspace
—Nancy Ford, Sally Nelson, Brooke Graves, Jessie Barczak and Kay Wosewick
… play on leveled fields
— unattributable
… get lost in cyberspace
— unattributable
they always have deadlines
— unattributable
How many indexers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They search and replace before the bulb burns out!
—Bob Huerster, Caroline Parks, Loraine Schacher, Carolyn Weaver, Jan Wright and L. Pilar Wyman
To escape multiple authors!
—Bob Huerster, Caroline Parks, Loraine Schacher, Carolyn Weaver, Jan Wright and L. Pilar Wyman
See Jokes, light bulb
—Jane Lorenzen
How much space have I got?
—Jill Halliday, John Halliday, Christine Shuttleworth, and Liza Weinkove
One to vet the wattage. One to mark the place. One to convert to HTML. One to proofread. One to light up the user.
—Madeleine Davis, Elizabeth Street, and Peggy Pedigo
None. We are kept in the dark until the last possible moment and then expected to work miracles!
—Madeleine Davis, Elizabeth Street, and Peggy Pedigo
They just hit the escape key.
—Sally Nelson and Kay Wosewick
It depends.
— Peg Mauer and Bill Meisheid
Five, because more than that would be undifferentiated.
— Steve Ingle, Mara Pinkard, Nan Badgett, Pat Buchanan and Deborah Patton
None: they don't have time to read the manual.
— unattributable
One: to call tech support.
— unattributable
One to write the main heading, one to write the subheading, one to cross-reference it, one to edit what has been done - total one, because I do all the work.
— Susan Klement, Allen Veaner and Barbara Cohen
Only one; she holds it to the socket and lets the room revolve around her.
—Nancy Ford, Sally Nelson, Brooke Graves, Jessie Barczak and Kay Wosewick
Why did the indexer cross the road?
Because she saw a no entry sign.
—Jill Halliday, John Halliday, Christine Shuttleworth, and Liza Weinkove
So they wouldn’t run over the line.
— Steve Ingle, Mara Pinkard, Nan Badgett, Pat Buchanan and Deborah Patton
To cross a reference.
— unattributable
To run after missing proofs.
— unattributable
To get to the cross reference.
— Susan Klement, Allen Veaner and Barbara Cohen
Because the reference was there.
—Nancy Ford, Sally Nelson, Brooke Graves, Jessie Barczak and Kay Wosewick
An indexer, a publisher, and an author walk into a bar...
The publisher expects to wait 30 days to pay the tab, the author wants a little bit of everything, and the indexer couldn’t come because the proofs just came.
—Bob Huerster, Caroline Parks, Loraine Schacher, Carolyn Weaver, Jan Wright and L. Pilar Wyman
… but none of them could afford to buy a drink.
—Jill Halliday, John Halliday, Christine Shuttleworth, and Liza Weinkove
… and it immediately empties.
— Peg Mauer and Bill Meisheid
… and start fighting over the significance of entries on the menu.
— Peg Mauer and Bill Meisheid
… and only the indexer returned with two guns smoking.
— Steve Ingle, Mara Pinkard, Nan Badgett, Pat Buchanan and Deborah Patton
… and order an Absolut, a Bacardi and a Campari. They all enjoy their drinks but the indexer is left to pay the bill.
— Susan Klement, Allen Veaner and Barbara Cohen
The publisher ordered anything, the author wanted an advance before he ordered, and the indexer wanted the ingredients alphabetized before ordering.
— unattributable
The author orders a bottle of scotch, the publisher orders a glass of cheap Chardonnay from a box, the indexer informs the bartender that she can’t find what she wants because the bottles aren’t arranged in a manner that encourages browsing and retires in disgust to the hospitality reception.
—Nancy Ford, Sally Nelson, Brooke Graves, Jessie Barczak and Kay Wosewick
If indexers were vegetables, what vegetable would they be?
Onion: multi-layered.
Artichoke: good at heart
Garlic: good in small doses
Kohlrabi: no one knows who we are, or what to do with us.—Bob Huerster, Caroline Parks, Loraine Schacher, Carolyn Weaver, Jan Wright and L. Pilar Wyman
Anything from avocado to zucchini.
—Jill Halliday, John Halliday, Christine Shuttleworth, and Liza Weinkove
Mushrooms: kept in the dark and fed on shit (see Compost).
—Madeleine Davis, Elizabeth Street, and Peggy Pedigo
Beets (beats).
— unattributable
They wouldn’t be a vegetable, they’d be a fruit: prickly pear.
—Sally Nelson and Kay Wosewick
Onion: they are composed of many layers and cry a lot.
— Peg Mauer and Bill Meisheid
Parse-nips.
—Nancy Ford, Sally Nelson, Brooke Graves, Jessie Barczak and Kay Wosewick
Peanuts, because that's what they get paid.
—Pat Aslin, Maria Young
Ellie.
Ellie who?
Ellie-ctronic indexing!—Jill Halliday, John Halliday, Christine Shuttleworth, and Liza Weinkove
Bad index
Bad index who?
Bad index done by author— unattributable
Index.
Index who?
I need to look this up…now where…?—Madeleine Davis, Elizabeth Street, and Peggy Pedigo
Sue
Sue who?
Sue you if you don’t get the index done on time.— Peg Mauer and Bill Meisheid
An indexer
A what?— Susan Klement, Allen Veaner and Barbara Cohen
Sunrise through window
Reflects off my blank, dead, screen
One more deadline missed.—Richard Feldman
You enter a term
Lightning strikes your house
Publishing dates are missed— Peg Mauer and Bill Meisheid
A charming indexer named Strauss
Cross-referenced each thing in her house
The sign on each item
Grew ad infinitum
And led to the loss of her spouse.—Richard Feldman
Some indexers from the UK
To New Mexico came to stay
To wear a hard hat
They’d not bargained for that
It won’t happen in Cambridge, no way.—Jill Halliday, John Halliday, Christine Shuttleworth, and Liza Weinkove (Referring to the construction site that was the ASI 2000 conference hotel, and the upcoming Society of Indexers conference in Cambridge, England.)
There was an indexer so smart
She knew indexing was an art
She uploaded her file
But after a while
The editor made her re-start!—Bob Huerster, Caroline Parks, Loraine Schacher, Carolyn Weaver, Jan Wright and L. Pilar Wyman
There was an indexer named Sue
Who worked until she turned blue
Flipping entries by day
And grouping away
Until she came down with the flu!—Bob Huerster, Caroline Parks, Loraine Schacher, Carolyn Weaver, Jan Wright and L. Pilar Wyman
An indexer stayed up all night
To make her index just right
But her fingers fumbled
And she ended up jumbled
Her index did not come out all right.— unattributable
There was an indexer who worked too hard:
night and day she indexed by card.
So tired was she,
she referenced from "See" to "See"
thus committing an indexing canard.—Dave Ream
There once was an indexer named Sue
Who didn’t know what to do
So she joined ASI
And said with a sigh
Now my career is in deep doo-doo— Peg Mauer and Bill Meisheid
Images
