Index/Indexing/Indexer
Humor


This collection began with submissions by indexers to a game at a CINDEX reception during the May 2000 ASI conference.  Additions have been made since then.
If you wish to submit a new item or make a correction, please do so but no guarantee is made regarding the inclusion of your submission.
[Items are listed in no particular order within categories.]

 

Joke categories
Collective nouns for indexers
Old indexers never die, they just...
How many indexers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Why did the indexer cross the road?
An indexer, a publisher, and an author walk into a bar...
If indexers were vegetables, what vegetable would they be?
Knock, knock. Who's there?

Poetry categories 
Haiku
Limerick

Images
Cross reference on door
Poll table alphabetical order
 

 Collective nouns for indexers

    A contention of indexers

                    — Fran Lennie


 Old indexers never die, they just...

… rot, see also Decay

—Bob Huerster, Caroline Parks, Loraine Schacher, Carolyn Weaver, Jan Wright and L. Pilar Wyman 

… get deleted.

—Bob Huerster, Caroline Parks, Loraine Schacher, Carolyn Weaver, Jan Wright and L. Pilar Wyman

         … zzzz…

                    —Jill Halliday, John Halliday, Christine Shuttleworth, and Liza Weinkove

… get embedded. 

—Dave Ream 

        … reinvent themselves: Information Architect, Information Navigator, …! 

                    —Madeleine Davis, Elizabeth Street, and Peggy Pedigo 

        … filed/entered under ground! 

—Madeleine Davis, Elizabeth Street, and Peggy Pedigo 

… get buried alive in the text.

—Sally Nelson and Kay Wosewick

… lose their locators. 

— Peg Mauer and Bill Meisheid

… become indented.

— Steve Ingle, Mara Pinkard, Nan Badgett, Pat Buchanan and Deborah Patton

… get double-posted.

—Susan Klement, Allen Veaner and Barbara Cohen

… change page numbers.

— Nancy Ford, Sally Nelson, Brooke Graves, Jessie Barczak and Kay Wosewick

… get lost in cyberspace

—Nancy Ford, Sally Nelson, Brooke Graves, Jessie Barczak and Kay Wosewick

… play on leveled fields

— unattributable

… get lost in cyberspace

— unattributable

they always have deadlines

— unattributable 

 How many indexers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They search and replace before the bulb burns out!

—Bob Huerster, Caroline Parks, Loraine Schacher, Carolyn Weaver, Jan Wright and L. Pilar Wyman

To escape multiple authors!

—Bob Huerster, Caroline Parks, Loraine Schacher, Carolyn Weaver, Jan Wright and L. Pilar Wyman

See Jokes, light bulb

—Jane Lorenzen

How much space have I got?

—Jill Halliday, John Halliday, Christine Shuttleworth, and Liza Weinkove

One to vet the wattage. One to mark the place. One to convert to HTML. One to proofread. One to light up the user.

        —Madeleine Davis, Elizabeth Street, and Peggy Pedigo

None. We are kept in the dark until the last possible moment and then expected to work miracles!

—Madeleine Davis, Elizabeth Street, and Peggy Pedigo

They just hit the escape key.

—Sally Nelson and Kay Wosewick

It depends.

— Peg Mauer and Bill Meisheid

Five, because more than that would be undifferentiated.

— Steve Ingle, Mara Pinkard, Nan Badgett, Pat Buchanan and Deborah Patton

None: they don't have time to read the manual.

— unattributable

One: to call tech support.

— unattributable

One to write the main heading, one to write the subheading, one to cross-reference it, one to edit what has been done - total one, because I do all the work.

— Susan Klement, Allen Veaner and Barbara Cohen

Only one; she holds it to the socket and lets the room revolve around her.

—Nancy Ford, Sally Nelson, Brooke Graves, Jessie Barczak and Kay Wosewick

 Why did the indexer cross the road?

Because she saw a no entry sign.

—Jill Halliday, John Halliday, Christine Shuttleworth, and Liza Weinkove

So they wouldn’t run over the line.

— Steve Ingle, Mara Pinkard, Nan Badgett, Pat Buchanan and Deborah Patton

To cross a reference.

— unattributable

To run after missing proofs.

— unattributable

To get to the cross reference.

— Susan Klement, Allen Veaner and Barbara Cohen

Because the reference was there.

—Nancy Ford, Sally Nelson, Brooke Graves, Jessie Barczak and Kay Wosewick

 An indexer, a publisher, and an author walk into a bar...

The publisher expects to wait 30 days to pay the tab, the author wants a little bit of everything, and the indexer couldn’t come because the proofs just came.

—Bob Huerster, Caroline Parks, Loraine Schacher, Carolyn Weaver, Jan Wright and L. Pilar Wyman

… but none of them could afford to buy a drink.

—Jill Halliday, John Halliday, Christine Shuttleworth, and Liza Weinkove

… and it immediately empties.

— Peg Mauer and Bill Meisheid

… and start fighting over the significance of entries on the menu.

— Peg Mauer and Bill Meisheid

… and only the indexer returned with two guns smoking.

— Steve Ingle, Mara Pinkard, Nan Badgett, Pat Buchanan and Deborah Patton

… and order an Absolut, a Bacardi and a Campari. They all enjoy their drinks but the indexer is left to pay the bill.

— Susan Klement, Allen Veaner and Barbara Cohen

The publisher ordered anything, the author wanted an advance before he ordered, and the indexer wanted the ingredients alphabetized before ordering.

— unattributable

The author orders a bottle of scotch, the publisher orders a glass of cheap Chardonnay from a box, the indexer informs the bartender that she can’t find what she wants because the bottles aren’t arranged in a manner that encourages browsing and retires in disgust to the hospitality reception.

—Nancy Ford, Sally Nelson, Brooke Graves, Jessie Barczak and Kay Wosewick

 If indexers were vegetables, what vegetable would they be?

Onion: multi-layered.
Artichoke: good at heart
Garlic: good in small doses
Kohlrabi: no one knows who we are, or what to do with us.

—Bob Huerster, Caroline Parks, Loraine Schacher, Carolyn Weaver, Jan Wright and L. Pilar Wyman

Anything from avocado to zucchini.

—Jill Halliday, John Halliday, Christine Shuttleworth, and Liza Weinkove

Mushrooms: kept in the dark and fed on shit (see Compost).

—Madeleine Davis, Elizabeth Street, and Peggy Pedigo

Beets (beats).

— unattributable

They wouldn’t be a vegetable, they’d be a fruit: prickly pear.

—Sally Nelson and Kay Wosewick

Onion: they are composed of many layers and cry a lot.

— Peg Mauer and Bill Meisheid

Parse-nips.

—Nancy Ford, Sally Nelson, Brooke Graves, Jessie Barczak and Kay Wosewick

Peanuts, because that's what they get paid.

—Pat Aslin, Maria Young

 Knock, knock.  Who’s there?

Ellie.
Ellie who?
Ellie-ctronic indexing!

—Jill Halliday, John Halliday, Christine Shuttleworth, and Liza Weinkove

Bad index
Bad index who?
Bad index done by author

— unattributable

Index.
Index who?
I need to look this up…now where…?

—Madeleine Davis, Elizabeth Street, and Peggy Pedigo

Sue
Sue who?
Sue you if you don’t get the index done on time.

— Peg Mauer and Bill Meisheid

An indexer
A what?

— Susan Klement, Allen Veaner and Barbara Cohen

 Haiku

Sunrise through window
Reflects off my blank, dead, screen
One more deadline missed.

—Richard Feldman

You enter a term
Lightning strikes your house
Publishing dates are missed

— Peg Mauer and Bill Meisheid

 Limerick

A charming indexer named Strauss
Cross-referenced each thing in her house
The sign on each item
Grew ad infinitum
And led to the loss of her spouse.

—Richard Feldman

Some indexers from the UK
To New Mexico came to stay
To wear a hard hat
They’d not bargained for that
It won’t happen in Cambridge, no way.

—Jill Halliday, John Halliday, Christine Shuttleworth, and Liza Weinkove (Referring to the construction site that was the ASI 2000 conference hotel, and the upcoming Society of Indexers conference in Cambridge, England.)

There was an indexer so smart
She knew indexing was an art
She uploaded her file
But after a while
The editor made her re-start!

—Bob Huerster, Caroline Parks, Loraine Schacher, Carolyn Weaver, Jan Wright and L. Pilar Wyman

There was an indexer named Sue
Who worked until she turned blue
Flipping entries by day
And grouping away
Until she came down with the flu!

—Bob Huerster, Caroline Parks, Loraine Schacher, Carolyn Weaver, Jan Wright and L. Pilar Wyman

An indexer stayed up all night
To make her index just right
But her fingers fumbled
And she ended up jumbled
Her index did not come out all right.

— unattributable

There was an indexer who worked too hard:
night and day she indexed by card.
So tired was she,
she referenced from "See" to "See"
thus committing an indexing canard.

—Dave Ream

There once was an indexer named Sue
Who didn’t know what to do
So she joined ASI
And said with a sigh
Now my career is in deep doo-doo

— Peg Mauer and Bill Meisheid

 Images